Some people live in a world that the rest of us can't even begin to recognize.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I'm so Scared

I've just spent the most horrible night of my life.

The chill and complete lack of comfort in the holding cell were unpleasant, of course, but nothing compared to the uncertainty, anxiety, and panic about what will happen next.

I was forming new ideas of what jail was all about (cold, filthy, lonely) based on what I was experiencing at the moment. However, my mind was stuck on some very vivid ideas about jail that I remembered from TV, books, and movies.

I watch the Discovery Channel.

They have some frightening shows about scary people in jail.  Really, really scary people in jail. Are all jails filled with really, really scary people? I've seen stories of women in prison.  Are those wild-eyed intimidating ladies my new peer group?  I can hardly even hold my ground with an obnoxious soccer mom. How ever will I learn to live in an enclosed space with aggressive, threatening, female convicts?

I've seen The Shawshank Redemption. Will I be exposed to daily violence in jail?  Will that violence be directed toward me?  Will I have to get a tattoo? Join a gang? Eat slop? Become someone's "bitch"? (I don't even know  exactly what that means!  We just always joke about it at work and I go along just to be part of the group. Oh my gosh-- am I going to find out what it means?)

Hmmm.  I do have fond memories of watching the Andy Griffith show while growing up.  Given that I was not falsely convicted in Mayberry, North Carolina in the 60's, I am pretty sure Aunt Bee won't be showing up with a basket of hot fried chicken and biscuits anytime soon.

All I DO know is that I am now experiencing intense Fear. Dread. Anxiety. Trepidation. Distress. Consternation. Fright. Horror.  (Damn my excellent vocabulary.  Knowing so many different words for FEAR makes it seem a whole lot worse.)    My mind is also recalling an old proverb that I think says something about fear of the unknown being the worst kind of fear there is.  Whoever said that, you are 100% correct.

I am so scared I can barely remember the ID number they told me to remember.  Then how is it that  my brain easily remembers another proverb I learned long ago? Not the biblical kind of proverb, but the kind you learn when you write a book report on a famous person--that person being Marie Curie:

~Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.  ~

If my brain is actually trying to tell me something about survival in this environment, I guess I will have to put as much effort as possible into trying to understand why and how and what is happening to me.  Maybe, just maybe, then I will survive this ordeal. 


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